Lexa

I told her.

I dunno exactly why I told her... it just kinda happened. I guess part of it was... damnit, I like her. We ain't that different, underneath me bein', well, what I am, an' her bein' brought up a noble an' all that. Least, we're not so different out here, miles from anyplace either of us used t'call home. An'... Tyche, I dunno. I coulda walked out.

But sometimes y'gotta trust folks. An' I didn' want us t'have secrets.

How daft is that?

Mister Burke let me have a mornin' in Raven's Cove t'day, 'long as I was back t'clean up the galley after lunch. It's not much of a place compared t'Parnassus - just a square with a bunch of buildin's off it, an' it kinda sprawls from there.

Didn't really do much: definitely avoided th' tavern (th' Mischevious Mermaid - who comes up with these names fer inns? They don' seem t'change from here t' Parnassus t'Haven. I keep expectin' t'find the Strippin' Strumpet, the Lusty Lady, or the F***in' Fishie next) an' ran int' her friend, th' one with th'dyed wings, in th' square.

We got t'talkin', an' she asked me th' same load of questions everyone else asks. I'd bin hearin' that she knows a bit about herbs, an' Zea said she was a decent sailor, so I out an' asked if she'd sponsor me.

Kinda odd reaction: far as I can tell, she actually hates bein' a healer. I was all fer apologisin' an goin' t'ask Minowa, but she wouldn' have it. So. Here I am, with a sponsor. It's a start.

Still wonderin' what th' hell I'm doin' here, though.

I've never been so tired, not even after a really wild night at th' Nereus. Since I got out of the brig, I've don' nothin' much bar work an' sleep.

An' talk t' her, once. I was obviously way too tired t'think before I said anythin', 'cause I wound up damn near tellin' her everythin' about me an Tian. It... coulda gone worse, I guess. I gotta watch myself now, cause if I say somethin' she doesn' understand properly, she'll probably tell Tian.

It's... so strange havin' an Empy fer a friend. I... wonder if I sh'd tell her about me?

Tian came down this mornin', an' we had a talk. Well, more, he talked, an' I got t'listen, since it appears my opinions don' count fer much. He was all fer puttin' me off at Ravens Cove, 'cause he said I c'd start a new life there. Also accused me of lyin', in some round about way that... gah. I dunno. I ain't never lied to him since I came on board, an' he's all fer makin' out that me sneakin' on board was somehow lyin' t'him. I even apologised, an'... well, I ain't fergiven yet. Don' think he even noticed I said sorry.

Y'know what's weird? He tried t'touch me, reached through th' bars t'touch my cheek. I really thought, when I first came on board, that that's th' kind of the thing I was after, but... I actually pulled away. Don' understand that. Wasn' even like I was thinkin' about it, it just happened...

Anyroad... it seems Mister Burke's a bit more sympathetic, an' better at sweet-talkin' Tian than anyone else. I got let out, on his say so, pretty much, on condition I work my butt off, an' find a sponsor - someone t'... babysit me an' teach me stuff.

Th' worst bit was gettin' up on deck that first time. I mean, I bin cooped up in th' dark, in a cell I c'n just stand up in, an' I'm suddenly out on deck, an'... Tyche. It's BIG, an' there's nothin' but sea an' sky as far as th' eye c'n see. I actually had t'hang on t'somethin' fer a moment, an' there's Tian givin' me a look like he thought I wasn' goin' t'be fit t'be a sailor.

An' then she shows up. She looked kinda surprised. Offered t'teach me t'read, like she said she would, if I was still interested. An' like an' idiot, I hadta go ask if that meant she was wantin' t' sponsor me. 'Tian slapped that down, an'... gods, I coulda hit him fer that: she didn' deserve that. It hurt her, too.

The rest of th' day? I bin cleanin' the galley. Twice. I'm completely wiped. Gonna sleep like a baby. Least I get my own hammock t'do so in.

...another visit from her.

She brought me lunch again, an' we talked. She said she didn' trust me,. an'... hell, I sure wouldn' if I were her. It... dawned on me a while after that mebbe she thinks I've bedded Tian. Wish I knew why that bothered me. Wish I knew, too, why I near bit that damn 'Rati cook's head off fer callin' her 'queen' an' th' like.

She's nice when she smiles, too. Crap. What the hell am I doin' here?

That's two folks now bin and suggested they could say nice things about me t'him. Now, I gotta admit Miss Glowy An' Green made a whole load more sense than that dippy Sylvan, but...

...there's a part o' me can't help but wonder whether havin' folks try an' talk him int' keepin' me on board ain't gonna piss him off more.

So this Sylvan... kid... I mean, he wasn' any more'n eighteen... comes down t'see me. Tyche, what a complete idiot, sneakin' off when he's s'posed t'be on watch. He reckons Mister Burke's out t'get him, an' from what I heard, he's damn lucky Mister Burke hasn' tossed him in here with me. Gods forbid: I'd probably volunteer t'jump overboard if he did.

He has some completely daft idea about gettin' Tian mad with him so he'll let me go. I... honest, I don' get it, an' I don' wan' any part of whatever deal he was offerin'. He wouldn' tell me what he wanted in return, an'... gah. Hell, I wanna get outta here, but I ain' that stupid.

Wonder if I oughta tell 'Tian?

She came down t'visit again. Wanted t'know why I was doin' this t'him. An' y'know what? I couldn' tell her. An' I don' even know why.

If y'd asked me a month ago, I'd have told her. An' clawed her eyes out int' th' bargain. But. damn it,... I... I dunno. I dunno if I like her, or I feel sorry fer her, or what. But I couldn' tell her that the first reason I wanted t'come on th' ship was him. I mean... bein' sensible, she's gonna hate me fer it, an' it won't make him any better inclined t'keep me on th' ship. I wish I c'd convince myself that was why, but...

Tyche. I just didn' wanna hurt her. How damn soft is that?

They were right. He was not happy.

Gods know what I'm gonna do. He told me he'd throw me off at th' next port, or worse, unless I could convince him I should stay. An' I ain't done much t'do that yet.

'More trouble than help,' he says. Well, of course I'm more friggin' trouble than help if he locks me up in this bloody cell, th' featherbrained idiot. What th'hell's he want? Me t'suddenly grow wings an' start doin' magic?

I'd bed... hell, I'd bed her fer one of Rosa's hot ciders right about now.

Couple of folks came down in t'th'hold, one fishie, one 'Rati, an' I think they must've scared one of the rats, 'cause it goes off like its tail was on fire, straight over me, wakes me up with a start.

Kinda tough to hide after that. They sent word t'him, an' the miserable bastard, would you friggin' believe it, has me thrown in this pokey little cell at the back of the hold. I swear`I will kill that bloody rat if it comes within range.

An' guess who's th' first visitor, with a bowl o'stew an' a drink.. Her.

Y'know what's worst? Fer all she's a flamin' noble, we're not that different.

...an' it's dark, an' it stinks. An' I swear I heard somethin' scuttlin' across the floor of the hold jus' now.

I'm kinda in a fix here. I dunno what t'do. Do I wait fer someone t'find me, or do I poke my nose out an' say "hey there"? It's bin... must be a day an' a night, an' no-one's bin anywhere near my end of the hold yet. I snuck out last night, managed to swipe some food from a chest, but that's all...

I could've left 'em both t' th' lads in th' Siren. Maybe if I'd had any sense, I'd've let that Sylvan manhandle her, an' kept my mouth shut - I mean, hell, she's an Empy, fer a start, an' on top of that it's.... y'know, her. But, no - I had t'wade in an' haul him off her. An' that's twice I've landed on my backside inside two days, this time with a sweaty, drunken lout of a Sylvan on top me, without even a coin or two t'sweeten it.

An' then she starts tossin' magic around - the same magic he does, an' all. Guess I'm outclassed there. That doesn't half annoy th' crowd, even more when her friend chips in. Her friend's OK, mind - kinda rough spoken, she'd fit in here fine. Barrin' the multicoloured wings, anyhow, which didn' help matters when she flexed 'em t' make a point.

I still could've left her. Like a fishie outta water in th'Nereus, she was, an' there was folks like Big Mal tossin' out words like 'featherhead' an' 'witch', an' it was gonna get nasty. The kind of nasty that gets everyone all buzzed an' high after, an' makes for a good night's business. So what'd I do?

What I should've done was just let it happen, an' ... I must be gettin' soft, or somethin'. Cause what I did do was hop up on the bar, an' get everyone's attention the best way I knew how, while they slipped out.

They ain't gonna ferget my last night at th' Nereus. Gods, but I'm gonna have bruises in interestin' places. But now it's gettin' too close t'sunup fer comfort, an' I need t' get myself on board while they're all still asleep. I'm wearin' almost every stitch I possess, one way 'r another, an' carryin' the rest in one little bag.

Least I know th' Amarada's comin' back before she sails away fer good. I was beginnin' to think I was goin' t'have t'stow away on th' Makara, which would've bin trickier, 'cause I don' know anyone on board, like I do Mister Burke an' Tian, an' a bunch of th' sailors.

Met th' assistant cargomaster fer th' Amarada t'day. Figure they've got t'pick him up, if nothin' else. Also fell over th' cook of th' Makara - hunchback called Roger. Clumsy idiot. Not sure if I mean me or him, mind.

It's gettin' close. An' I still dunno if I'm doin' th' right thing. I could jus' ask t'go on board with th' rest of 'em... but somethin' tells me Tian'd try an' talk me out of it. Or not let me on in th' first place. Least this way I get a chance. Unless he gets someone t'fly me back...

...and I must be completely friggin' crazy.

Seriously, who in their right flamin' mind ups and leaves a nice secure job, just 'cause...

But that's half th' bloody problem. I don' really know why I'm doin' this. I thought I did. I mean... gods know how long th' Amarada'll be away, and I've already made a complete mess of things where he's concerned. An' maybe 's too late to fix: who knows? Maybe she's pretty much got him where she wants him, now. I dunno. I really don't. But I thought we had somethin', y'know? Otherwise, I wouldn' be sittin' here, up in the attic at th' Nereus, sortin' through the herbs an' stuff Isora gave me, makin' sure I can remember what she taught me about what's good f'r what. I've mostly packed th' stuff I wanna take, what little there is. There's only a few things left t'do: write (gods know who I'm gonna get t'do that for me) to Cris, an' say sorry; leave th' rest of my stuff for Magda an' th' rest of the girls; an' figure out the best way t'sneak aboard.

Or I c'd stay here, I guess. An' spend th'next Tyche-knows-how-long doin' what I've done for th' last eight years, flat on my back in the dark. I know I'm damn good at it, after all. But I'll always be wonderin' if the next customer's gonna be someone who knows who I really am, an' maybe wants me properly dead. Or worse. Actually, y'know what'd be worse? Someone who knows who I really am an' won't tell me before they start doin' things to me.

I've nearly given up this so damn many times this past month. There's no bein' sure he won't throw me off at the first stop, or get someone t'fly me back here. That'd be worse'n not goin' at all. But... gods. I dunno. Or maybe I do. There's an older lass works the docks: not one of the Nereus' girls. She was pretty once. Now she just turns tricks to scrape t'gether enough t'stay drunk enough not t'care. If I stay here, that'll be me. Probably before th'Amarada gets back.

I need a drink. Wonder if Rosa's closed up downstairs yet?

Two things, really.

First off - Lexa is pretty much illiterate. This isn't a paper diary, more a series of internal monologues.

Secondly, and I hope obviously, any info in here isn't IC knowledge unless your character has been told it IC.